nothing much...

I don't know, I feel like I want to say something, but I can't put it to words. That's rather frustrating...*sigh*

Well, short snapshot of my life as of right now. The night is full, with midterm-studying on the schedule. Wednesday is more studying, and also doing homework (or copying it, depending on how the studying goes). Thursday is the test, and afterwards, community service of a sort, going to play Bingo with seniors. Ongoing at all times is Japanese class, this week we have an oral skit to do. And Friday afternoon would be the regional tournament for Handball.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a masochist.

Tired and cranky right now. My last hour and half of freedom is almost over, then it's time to go to class and pay attention. Didn't get nearly enough sleep last night, I never do. It just reinforces the fact that unlike other people, I can't pull all nighters without paying for it later, and I didn't even get anything remotely productive done.

This is starting to sound suspiciously like a whiny rant...But sometimes I think I need those. I work so hard to not whine at people, to keep my complaints and troubles to myself. I suppose that's what this bloggie is for, ne? It's really tiring to hold it in at times, and to be cheerful when other people aren't, to know what's going on and what to do when other people need me to do things, to be responsible for things that I don't think I should be responsible for. But then I feel guilty for feeling that, like I'm irresponsible or not doing my part if I don't work my ass off for other people, and THAT is even worse, partially because of the feeling guilty part, and partially because I know I am working, I am doing things. It just seems like it's never enough.

For those who have seen Fruits Basket, I feel like the Fool in the story Momiji was telling everyone in that one episode...The Fool who went around giving everything he had to people who needed it, not realizing some of them were tricking him, using him for their own ends. And in the end right before he died, the monster that ate most of his body threw a sheet of paper to him with the word "fool" on it, and the Fool was moved to tears because it was the only time someone gave something back.

I never know if the Fool was truly foolish. I guess it all depended on your point of view, like Momiji said. And of course, I'm nowhere near as selfless, in fact I can be quite selfish at times. But I look around at how selfish everyone is being and sometimes I wonder, can't I be selfish too, even it's just a little?

But I didn't get where I am by being selfish, and it seems like I won't get where I want to go by doing that either. Not that I know where I'm going either, such is the mystery of life...Ah, well. There's that chinese saying..."The rice is already cooked," meaning that what is done is done, and can't be reversed. Kind of like "water under the bridge", now that i think of it...

Now, to make more calls, do my homework, study like the good student, good daughter, good, responsible person I am. My mom gave me a book-mark once...it said (in chinese) "Resting is for going even further." I've rested enough, it's time to get going.

Majo